I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm getting married
To pizza
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
