You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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