boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
