One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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