Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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