the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize