Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize