I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
