she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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