I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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