just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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