we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
