i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
