I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize