I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
