She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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