we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize