I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
