apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
