I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
