You smell like stripper and shame
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I came so hard my ears popped.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
