You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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