Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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