morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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