remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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