As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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