so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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