I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
