so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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