Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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