Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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