I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
