I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
