Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize