Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
