i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Congratulations! We have a period
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