There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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