If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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