wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
