I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
