It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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