Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i dont even know how to be here
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
