fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
did you just send me my own nude
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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