Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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