I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
