What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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