just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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