i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
