please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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