last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
