I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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