she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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