3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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