Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
