Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
