FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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