two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
