I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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