see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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