Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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