Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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