Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
