this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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