I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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