I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you made out with another girl for some wings
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
