And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
