Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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